even less helpful apology (orig. published feb 2, 2011)

Not too long ago, someone in my Facebook friends list put up a link to this article, which basically says that some Catholic Churches have co-opted the Twelve Steps as a de-gayification mechanism.  That is, you can’t stop being a homo (just like an addict can’t stop being an addict), but you can go into “recovery” and stop engaging in homosexual behavior.  These are the Newer, Gayer Twelve Steps:

The Twelve Steps of Courage

(taken from the Courage Handbook)

We admitted that we were powerless over homosexuality and our lives had become unmanageable.* 

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of God as we understood Him.

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of our character.

We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make direct amends to them all.

We made the direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of God’s Will for us and the power to carry it out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.



Since part of being in recovery is being open about one’s past transgressions and errors, I just want to take this opportunity to let you all know at once that I’ve been working the steps myself for awhile now.   Admitting that I was powerless was pretty easy; you only have to look at the choices I’ve made to see that.  My life is clearly unmanageable.  Second step, also not a problem. And with the help of my fearless sponsor, I have been working on handing over my will to a power greater than myself, and taking a fearless moral inventory, and it has become clear just how many people have been hurt–ex-boyfriends, high school girls whose boys I stole, boys with crushes whose hearts I stomped on, innocent bystanders who have had to endure my many PDAs with various boyfriends, my aunt who was heartbroken when she discovered that Robin is actually just my friend and not my girlfriend, to say nothing of Valentine’s Day in its entirety–by my heterosexuality. I have made a list of the people that I harmed directly (except when to contact them would do them more harm) and asked for their forgiveness and made amends where I could.

On my list of people I must apologize to is The Homos, unfortunately, I cannot find the Official Homosexual Spokesperson to whom to make amends.  So I make this post, in the hope that the Internet will accept my apology on behalf of all homosexuals everywhere. My failure to admit that I have a problem and stop engaging in heterosexual behavior has, I fear, caused the homosexual community much pain. Maybe my heterosexuality wouldn’t be so bad if I could keep it under control and to myself, but sadly, it affects my whole life and all of my relationships, to say nothing of the potential tax burden that may come shooting out of my uterus at any time. Part of my addiction is that it makes me selfish and self-centered and power hungry in many ways, and insofar as this has interfered with your access to institutions such as marraige, spousal health care, personal safety, and fair representation in various media, I am deeply sorry. I hope that someday you regain (/retain) your right to adopt children, as I may need to find a home for an impending potential tax burden. (Oh, wait, no I won’t. I’m in recovery, and not engaging in heterosexual acts, so I won’t be making any babies.)

I want to assure you that I am taking my recovery seriously. I am no longer associating with hetero-enablers, and as soon as my sponsor tells me that I’m once again ready to participate in sexual relationships, I’m going to find myself a nice girl to settle down with. I have changed my personal environment and am creating a new circle of friends at the local gay bar. I continue to pray to god to give me strength, and of course, my HA (Heterosexuals Anonymous) group has been an enormous help. If there’s anything I can do to mitigate the pain that i’ve caused by my addictive behavior, please let me know. I am, of course, fully in support of the Homosexual Agenda (that’s a day planner, right? Can I still get one for 2011?)

If you know any heterosexuals that have hit rock bottom and are ready to go into recovery, or any who may want to talk about what being in recovery looks like and how my life has changed, I would love to have coffee with them.


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